To see what matters.

My Beloved Brother,


You are my eternal best friend.
You have loved me at my worst and loved me at my best.
You've been there to scrape me up off the ground when I let myself get trampled.
You've been there through all my joys, smiling right along with me.
You are my definition of trust.
You are my spirit, I carry you with me always.
I would gladly, and without hesitance, conquer the world with you if you asked it of me.
You understand me more then any other human will be able to.
We have infinite shared experiences that have shaped us into who we are.
I support you in your endeavors, 
but I wish you would just stay put or take me with you.
You have a burning light in you to share with the world, 
and I hope people will see what I can.
You are the morning sun amidst a frozen wasteland.
You are everything I hope to be and everything I am.
You are understanding.
You are adventure.
You are laughter.
You are true.


To end this In your own perfect words,
"You know that I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you.
You've shown me unconditional love and friendship.
Our bond will never weaken and we will always be the best person in each other's lives."

You know what this is.

The seemingly eternal knot in the gut
so in constant need for the melody of contact.
For awareness.
A feeling of mutual sight.
Scherzo of the universe flesh
With the soul at 500 degrees.
A panoramic view of consciousness,
a rendition of the sensible memory
The void of else; exquisitely wind inhabited.
For execution of knowledge
So instantaneous and unhurried; such abnormal exaction.
When inscribed reflection unites...
Abating aimless selflessness.
A oneness; transforming of retrospect.

Boring.

Boring only, is the accuser's state of mind... rather then an adjective to describe the accused.

Falling out.

Acknowledge: to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth, or fact of.

Swallow: to accept without question or suspicion.

Welcome: given full right by the cordial consent of others.


These three actions can make a relationship soar I believe. If two people focus on these three things, they are set. Acknowledge that your partner may see things a different way, need different things, feel different, think differently, respond differently, love differently. Swallow these facts without question... accept them, for it's who they are. Lastly, welcome the differences with an open mind, heart, and soul. It is literally impossible to see eye to eye on everything... and what kind of challenge would it be if two people did? Love isn't supposed to be easy. If it were, we wouldn't grow... and don't you want to grow? Challenge each other. True acceptance is what makes a relationship last when the "flame" has gone out as they say... and it's definitely a two way street requiring an equal balance of give and take between both people. Accept them and see them for all the beauty that they are... good and bad. No one is perfect, but two people can be perfect for each other if they truly see each other. With this acknowledging, swallowing, and welcoming will come the give and take and meeting each other halfway. You'll give them what they need, they'll give you what you need. You'll learn more about yourself and learn from them. Nothing spectacular comes easy. It takes work, and it's easier said then done, but it is so worth trying, don't you think?


This is just the way I see the world.

Stage Six.

Lawrence Kohlberg, a prominent psychologist, developed what is known as "Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development" in the 1950's. In a nutshell this is what it's all about:

Kohlberg has three levels of moral development (pre-conventional, conventional, and post-conventional) and six stages of moral reasoning. The pre-conventional (mostly seen in children) is when a person approaches a moral dilemma in accordance with the punishment/reward they will receive and doesn’t take into account the perspective of society. The conventional level (seen mostly in adolescence) involves approaching a moral dilemma from society’s perspective and making a decision based on being a part of that society (laws, social norms, etc.), for acceptance/value, or to be a “good” member of said society. The post-conventional level goes beyond taking society’s perspective and now the person bases moral judgments on what they think is right/wrong according to their own principals (regardless of social norms). This final stage is rare… unfortunately... and if it occurs at all in a person, it first happens in early adulthood.

With each stage of Kohlberg’s stages of moral reason, a person is better able to take the perspective of another person. The first stage (at a pre-conventional level) seen in young children is when they are able to take the perspective of only one other person at a time. The second stage is when the child realizes that other people can take on their own perspective. Stage three marks the development into the conventional level of moral development in which the child can now take the perspective of a whole group of significant others, like their family. Stage four is when a person can take the perspective of a whole general group, like society. In the fifth stage, a person seeks principles to bridge differences among groups. They are able to take on the perspective of all groups and come to a reasonable agreement among them.

Stage six is more complicated in that the person now takes the perspective of each other person as that person takes the role of each other person. (ex: Fred takes the role of George and Bob, but he also takes the role of George taking the role of Bob and himself (Fred) and the role of Bob taking on the role of George and himself.)

It's this sixth stage that is so intriguing to me. Not many people reach this level of moral reasoning in their lives. If only ALL people could reach this stage, the world would be a different place. From everything to political decisions to two people in a relationship… it would all be different. People in general would be ten times more accepting as they would now be able to see someone's point of view while that person is also seeing their point of view.

I challenge you to try to think this way. See everyone while they are seeing you. It will change your perspective on life… and the more we do it, the more we'll do it automatically.

My Views on Religion & Creation

To be extremely specific, I am a Pragmatic/Diest Agnostic. In a nutshell, this means that I do believe there is a higher being, but that it is ultimately unknowable and therefore I will not live my life in search of answers or in accordance with any one religion. I do believe this higher being, however, does not intervene with the world, but has essentially created and bailed. I believe in love.

Being raised in a strict Christian home while going to church all the time, it came as a surprise to me when I realized I didn't believe in everything I claimed to believe in as a "Christian". I don't believe in the whole Bible (probably best saved for another discussion), so I cannot believe in the religions that it represents. One day I was finally honest with myself and able to accept myself without feeling guilty regarding what I really do believe. I thought about every aspect of my "faith" and went over it in my head until I was able to say with certainty what I do and do not think is true. From here, I figured there has to be other people who believe in the same things as me, so I researched until I found that Agnostic beliefs were the closest fit to how I feel about a higher being and creation, so I now consider myself to be Agnostic. Most people think (as I previously had) that Atheist and Agnostic are the same thing, when really they are polar opposites.

I feel religion only rips people apart. It causes separation and judgement because so many people represent their religion in all the wrong ways (again, that could be a whole other discussion in itself). What this world needs is to believe in love and coexisting. Most people think their religion is the "right" one… but with countless religions out there, and all of them thinking they are correct, how can anyone know for sure that they are right? I feel like most religions boil down to the same beliefs and morals and essentially teach the same things, so really they are all branches off of each other. Most of the time choosing a religion is something you're just born into (for example, if you come from an all Mormon family, odds are you're going to be mormon). People shouldn't be judged or looked down upon because they were raised and instilled with certain values/morals/religion based on their people's tradition and beliefs.

I understand a person's need to feel like there is someone/something in control of the world, (the whole "everything happens for a reason" deal), but as for myself, I don't think that a God who claims to love the world so much, really has any part of what happens here on Earth. How could he/she, after all, if we all have free will? It's extremely contradictory. Saying it's all part of God's plan goes directly against the fact that we all make our own choices because that same God gave us all free will. One person may grow up, find love, get married, and live happily ever after and praise God because it was all part of his plan. Another person may grow up, make bad choices, get back "luck", and blame god for everything that went wrong. A third person may be dealt awful cards in live and still be happy because it's all part of God's plan. And a fourth person (me), may be dealt cards, make their own decisions knowing that they are the only ones that shape their own lives… not blaming or thanking anyone, but know that we are all simply drifting and end up where we end up based on the choices that we make, no plan from any higher being. Good things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people… it's all chance. If I were to think that there is a God who loves us who IS in control of what happens to this world, it makes me feel sick. How could a higher being in control let such horrible things happen? Every Christian's answer (that I've heard) is "because God can't control free will". Exactly. So like I said, no plan, just free will and the laws of nature…this is what shapes our lives. There can't be both. I don't understand why people don't see this. Thomas Henry Huxley, who pretty much started the Agnostic view int he 1800's stated, "I cannot see one shadow or tittle of evidence that the great unknown underlying the phenomenon of the universe stands to us in the relation of a Father [who] loves us and cares for us as Christianity asserts." My thoughts exactly.

The Catholic church teaches that: "God, the beginning and end of all, can, by the natural light of human reason, be known with certainty from the works of creation." This is exactly why I DO believe in a higher being. I don't think our world and humanity happened by chance or through billions of years of evolution. The world is beautiful and amazing and life is a treasure, and I think someone created it to be that way. I see the miracle of life and humanity through my daughter and the world around me, and that is proof enough for me to know that something created it, and I am thankful.

Huxley said, "I do not aim at constructing a complete philosophy of the Unknowable, but at excluding special kinds of truth, notably religious, from the domain of knowledge." This says perfectly why I will not spend so much time and energy during my life focusing on things I cannot know. I cannot know if there is one right religion, I cannot tell anyone they are wrong or right with what they believe, I cannot know what happens after death; therefore, I will not spend my life wondering or be in fear of something I have no control over. I will not rest my hopes and life on religious convictions. I will simply live my life loving, being happy, and enjoying the world I was given while coexisting with others to stimulate peace and acceptance.

Because of these views, I do not pray. Since I don't think there is any higher being in control of everything, why would I? The creator, I believe, is all knowing, and therefore knows my thoughts and feelings at all times anyways. He/she may know my sorrows, my happiness, my thoughts, my frustrations, my thankfulness, etc… but it does not provide me comfort at all in directly expressing these things through prayer.

Since being Agnostic is essentially asserting that I can't know what I don't know, I have no problem what-so-ever in what other people believe. I understand why they believe what they do, though at the same time I feel bad for them, because so many are closed-minded and have a one track mind, following blindly without question, thinking all others are wrong. But I understand and I accept it. The only thing I don't understand is that people use religion as a weapon, not as a means to love unconditionally and lead by example to promote love and peace among everyone.

There is so much to be said, but I'll stop here for now.

To the limit.

You know those days when you wake up knowing you're going to have to force yourself to have a good day? Where you try to distract yourself in every way possible? Clean the house (when it's already clean), do all the laundry, run all the errands you've been meaning to run for weeks, sew a button on a shirt, hard boil some eggs, clean out your fridge, wash your sheets, and take all the trash out even though its not even halfway full? When your favorite songs don't even seem to lift your spirits? Then none of this seem to draw your mind away from the things you don't want to think about? Yeah… those days really suck.

To whom it may concern: "Meet Me Halfway" - BEP

Cake.

So I wrote this post a couple days ago and it disappeared! Here's pretty much what it said:

You know the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it to?" Makes zero sense. If it's MY cake, I sure as hell better be able to eat it, right?

So I am officially (in my own world) changing the saying to: "You can't have two pieces of cake."

Glad I got that sorted out.

School.

As my family and friends know, I've had a HUGE issue with coming to a decision about school and my future. I thought I finally decided a couple months ago when I chose to major in Music Education. BUT... that would mean basically starting over, and I don't want to be in school for another 4 years. Cause no matter how many credits I have I would have to take 8 full semesters of orchestra (among other classes of course). So instead I've decided to be a high school English teacher so I'm not in school as long. Music is my passion, but will stay a hobby and not be a career. And being a high school teacher has always been in the back of my mind =) So now I'm an English Major/Education minor. That's my final decision and I'm sticking to it! Unfortunately I'm getting stuck doing 3 freshman level classes (out of 4) because of the problems I'm having with transferring credits from UNR, and cause every university's core requirements are different. Then when we leave El Paso, I'll get to go through all that again when I transfer to a different university. How neat! lol. So I'm taking a full course load this fall. Classes are: Political Science, British Literature, Geology and Math (yuck!).

I can't wait to use my brain again! I really enjoyed the summer class I took, and I think Evie really enjoyed going to the childcare on campus. I think she gets bored at home. I mean, who wants to be around their mother 24/7? =) She's a social butterfly and does great there. It was rough at first, she would whine when I would drop her off but she got over that. What a big girl she is now! She sleeps great (although she's always slept great), she doesn't use a binky, she takes one good nap a day, and she's learning new words all the time. I wonder how she'll do with napping AT the childcare though. We'll see!

Well... that is all for now. Here's a couple cute pictures =]

Living green and eating green and figuring it all out

Get comfortable...

Ever since I became a mother my outlook on life has changed drastically. Okay... that is probably the most obvious statement for anyone with a new baby, but it really goes beyond that. Besides all the typical changes in my life (you know, like anything that involves taking care of a baby 24/7!), I have begun to make other changes as well. I want the world to be amazing for my daughter in the future, and I need to do my part to make that happen, while hopefully inspiring others along the road to do the same. I need to be a friend to the Earth to teach my daughter to do the same, because if enough people make a change, there will be change.

It started out with no longer buying bottled water. When you think about it, that's just ridiculous right? It comes out of faucets in our own homes, why would we buy it in yucky plastic? So I purchased some water bottles for on the go (and to be honest, I use them more at home then glasses!), and that's all I use now. I never leave the house without a bottle of water whether it's an afternoon out or just a quick trip to the store. I rarely forget it, but on occasion I do, and have bought a water bottle while out, and have thrown it away when it's empty. Then I feel horrible. A year ago this would not have crossed my mind, and now I actually feel guilt when I do this! But this is a good thing! I am lucky enough to have good tasting tap water, but if I didn't, I would buy a few of those giant water jugs and a dispenser, and I'd go fill them up when I ran out. Easy cheesy. So really, there's no excuse. At first it was difficult to remember,

but it's second nature to me now. Keys, cell phone, water bottle. And on the plus side, since switching to this habit I am drinking way more water then I used to. If you want to start using water bottles, make sure if you buy plastic ones that they are BPA-free. Stainless steel ones are great but are around $15 for one! But if you buy one here and there you'll have plenty. Check out my line up (pictured)... 6 between my husband and me (actually only 1 is his haha!), and 1 for the little one (that she hasn't figured out how to use yet...) is what I've got, and I don't need more. They have a wide variety of stainless steel ones at Whole Foods, and great plastic BPA-free ones at REI. If you don't know why BPA is bad... go to google and look at the loads of articles that come up!

My next step? Re-usable grocery bags. I have many reasons why these are so great. (And again, I feel the sting of guilt when I forget them in the car as I'm getting rung up! Agh!) So, re-usable bags are great because they are larger (most of the time) then normal grocery bags, way more durable, and are easier to carry. Most are made with really long straps which enable you to throw them over over your shoulder (makes unloading groceries into the house much faster cause you can carry way more!). Plus since these bags are bigger/more durable,

you can pile them to the brim and have less bags to carry. I have some cloth ones, which are even more durable, but I prefer plastic ones made from recycled plastic bags (like mine pictured on the left) cause that's a win-win, right? One thing I'll notice though, some baggers won't fill them up even half way sometimes, so I tell them, "Oh you can fill the bag up all the way, I don't mind." That way I don't come across as bossy... I hope. IF I don't remember to bring the bags in to the store with me I will opt for paper bags (since these can just be tossed into the recycle bin). However, places like Target and Walmart don't have that option sadly =( I started the switch to re-usable bags when we lived in Monterey, but built up my stockpile a few months ago and finally have enough for a full cart of groceries. We use to shop at the Commissary there and the baggers would literally double bag everything! REALLY?! I nearly started to hyperventilate! My point is... make the switch, you'll be glad you did. I hang mine on the hallway closet to remember to take them out to the car before shopping. Oh plus, most places give you 5 cents off per bag haha. I could care less about that, it's about being earth-friendly! Still not convinced to make the switch? Read this article. Plastic bags cannot be tossed into your curbside recycling!!! Most recycling plants WILL NOT be able to recycle them! You can call your recycling company to see if they can accept them, but this is rare. Apparently "most" grocery stores have drop bins to put your bags, but I've never seen these displayed (though I've never intentionally looked) so I doubt very many people know about them. And if you are going to go through that effort, why not just pay around $2 for a permanent re-usable bag?

Ok, those were two easy ways to go green. But what about "greening" your body? This is the thing I've been thinking about a lot recently. And I mean a lot. Even more after I read an article found through this amazing blog titled Blogcrumbs. I look at my little girl, who is just a year old, and I want her to have the best start in life and teach her the best habits. I see her body as a tiny machine that I want to take care of just right so she'll live a long and healthy life. For this reason, I stopped drinking soda and caffeine when I got pregnant and still don't (well, very rarely). I'm breast feeding her and don't plan on stopping until she's about 18 months, I always gave her organic baby food, she never has juice, and rarely eats anything with added sugar. This was all easy until she decided no one gets to feed her anymore. Organic baby food in a jar was perfect, but now I have to find healthy finger foods that she can feed herself... not so easy! She eats fruits with every meal and loves them. Veggies are off and on. She likes them from a can, so I buy organic, unsalted ones. Sometimes she'll devour peas, other times she throws them on the ground. She'll eat green beans only from a can at room temperature, not if they're cold from the fridge. She likes avocado and carrots too. I'm going to try making healthy sweet potato fries this week, and I'm sure she'll love those. She'll munch on her "Purely-O's" cereal and loves cut up mozzarella cheese. But what else do I give her? She needs a wide variety of foods that are healthy! Sure I could easily cook some chicken nuggets, but I know those aren't good for her. I've had her try my own chicken when I make it but I think it's too seasoned. What should I season hers with? I just don't feel like I'm giving her enough different things. And yes, I want these things to be quick and easy to make! Meal time is long enough as it is!

Now to worry about my own body. Much more difficult. I eat pretty well but I have a damn sweet tooth! I make a smoothie every morning (unless I'm out of fruit, like right now) with mostly fresh fruit (some frozen to make the drink cold), pure orange juice, carrot juice, and a scoop of super food. Great way to start the day huh? Mmm =) But after reading that article I just got overwhelmed and worried. Changing my eating habits would be all fine and dandy if I knew exactly what to change them to! Yes, more veggies, less sugars, yada yada, I get that. What about what breads to eat? Apparently wheat isn't really that great for you! And microwaving food is actually really bad and produces carcinogens (see here). How am I supposed to heat up leftovers? Not everything is soup that you can just put in a pot and heat over the stove! I guess I need a toaster oven. But won't that burn some things if they've already been cooked?

Basically, I need to start from scratch and revamp my eating habits. Research and research more, make a healthy grocery list, and cut the sweets. I can't know everything all at once so I gotta take it one step at a time and just do what I can to get healthy. It scares me to think about the stuff I've put in my body in 24 years. It's actually quite terrifying. Who knows what health problems I've had that have been caused by what I eat. I've had two benign tumors removed (one from my hand, the other from the opposite wrist), and my gall bladder was removed a couple years ago because of gallstones, could these things have been caused by what I've eaten? And who knows what it's going to cause in the future. I suppose I can't do anything about the past, but I can change the now. And from now on, I am going to eat healthy! And I can raise my daughter with great eating habits so she can be healthy too. Going green really is a life-style, not a few random acts or habits. This isn't going to be easy, but it really has to be done.

Wish me luck! And sorry for the terribly long post. If you've read to the end, thank you, and leave a comment why don't ya so I know it benefited someone ;) It's nearly 1am and I've stayed up way too late completing this! *Please sleep in Evie...*

Start to finish to starting again? What's that?

I am frustrated.

I have a million things I want to do.
I have a ton of things I can do.
I have a hundred things I am doing.
But I have ZERO things I want to keep doing.

Is it a lack of motivation? I really don't think so. For it to be a lack of motivation I would be stopping at "a ton of things I can do" (meaning I have everything necessary to do these things but I won't even start doing them). But I am doing things, so I have motivation... I just don't seem to have the urge to keep on doing these specific things.

For example, I had this great idea to make appliques for Evie's clothes. I did three, then I stopped. I plan to do more... (story of my life), but I just don't LOVE doing it. They turned out so cute, they're not hard to do, and I have all the materials to do them... so why don't I love doing it?! Again... story of my life!

I seem to be inspired a dozen times a day to do these awesome things, and I start some of them, but I don't keep with it... what's wrong with me? Why can't I find something I love doing and just DO it and not go off on other tangents and do other things that distract me? I just want to have one thing to love doing and I want to do that thing! Plenty of people seem to get that lucky, so why not me? My father-in-law is a retired wood shop teacher, he loves making things... so he makes things all the time! He doesn't make a couple things and then never pick it up again. Why can't that be me?

I get all flustered cause I have so many projects buzzing in my head that eventually I just stop and sit down and get on the computer. Like right now. Here I am writing this blog when 15 minutes ago I was making something. I have a stack of cd's to use for crafting that I was going to make a circular mobile with to be hung around our dining room light (which is just a white circle). I was going to put two cd's together so the shiny sides are on the outside, wrap fabric around them (leaving some of the shininess poking through), and hang them in a circle at different lengths around the light. But for some reason once I got started, the idea didn't appeal so much to me anymore. I'm sure I'll force myself to finish it after I'm done with this blog. Yippee.

Then maybe after that I'll get out the sewing stuff again to make more appliques for shirts for Evie. After all, I have all the stuff I need to do it, so I should do it right? But isn't crafting supposed to be fun? I had fun at first... why did that go away? I shouldn't have to force myself to do fun things!

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I just wish I had one thing I wanted to do forever that I would never get sick of doing.

The end.